Sexually attracted to my therapist

[Morgaine]

I'm a female who's been seeing a male therapist for a few weeks now. I've developed a strong sexual attraction to him but haven't done anything inappropriate (but I've had many inappropriate thoughts).

I was prescribed another 6 weeks of therapy and I'm wondering, based on my feelings, should I be looking for another therapist? If not, do I keep this to myself or bring it up to him?

 

[johnny_depp_fann]

I would find another licensed massage therapist.....soon.

 

[Sunshine Smile]

:shock: WOW! It is a predicament I personally wouldn't want to be in, either in your shoes, or his. I can't tell you it is wrong to be sexually attracted to someone - biology is biology after all. The tough part you will have to wrestle with is this: if you tell him and he says "no" what will you do then? Could you deal with being rejected and then having body work done by this man? If you tell him and he says "yes" what does that say about his adherence to practice guidelines that encourage practitioners not to date clients.... would you want to have anything to do with someone who violates those guidelines? Is there something going on in your personal life that is drawing you emotionally toward this person because it is more "safe", more "supportive" than the real world you live in the rest of the time? You need to consider all of those points and any others like them that you can come up with before you make a decision to act on the inappropriate thoughts you admit to having had already. Consider all aspects of this situation carefully. If he is working in a professional office or salon for someone else, what impact might this have on his employment?

It's a HUGE can of worms you would open up --- are you sure that's where you want to go? I urge you for your sake, and the sake of the therapist you find yourself attracted to to STOP, THINK, THINK SOME MORE, and then decide what's best for you. If you still find yourself attracted to him very strongly, my suggestion is that you find a female therapist to provide the rest of your session so that you do not compromise the client-therapist relationship for either of you.

[/quote]

 

[Wtf]

I suppose it could be transference because he's made you feel better.
But, I agree with those who have posted before me, it's a sticky situation for both of you.
The easiest way to handle it would be to ask him to refer you to another practitioner if you feel the work you've done together has been beneficial for your injury or health. (And since you have another perscription for 6 more weeks of therapy.) Hopefully he'll be able to refer you to a colleague who does similar work.

 

[Villain]

Well I'd have to say the reason I'm attracted to him is the same reason that women are attracted to men in the first place - he's handsome, intelligent, professional, around my age, etc.

I was thinking that it would probably be best if I went to see someone else but now that I've given him the new prescription, I'm not sure what I would tell him (about me wanting to go somewhere else). He's a good therapist and I wouldn't want him to think I was unhappy with his work.

 

[Jabberwock]

The best thing to do is to be honest with him. Tell him the work he has done has been very helpful, but based on the feelings you state you have, that you feel it would be best to see another therapist, preferably female if possible. If he is ethical and professional, he will understand and will not hesitate to recommend some one else. He also will not belittle or make you feel uncomfortable about it. You may feel uncomfortable or embaressed about telling him, but better to feel uncomfortable for a very short time than to put both of you in a compromising position that you both may regret.

 

[Pompal 09.]

I have a different take on the situation. I don't think your thoughts are "inappropriate" -- you know the difference between an attraction and prostitution. You haven't tried to throw him on the table or anything -- you're just attracted, that's all.

I don't think you necessarily have to make a big deal out of this to your therapist or insist on being referred to someone else, either. For one thing, he may already sense the attraction and be handling it in a way that won't make you uncomfortable. If you DO want to mention it to him, you could easily make it light if you want to - "I have a crush on you, I still want to continue our professional relationship, glad we got that out of the way" kind of thing. (Talking about it when NOT on the table would make it easier on you both of course.)

You also certainly have the option to keep it completely to yourself if you feel that it isn't interfering with your ability to receive help from him.

Also, if you do ask to be referred to someone else, I don't think you necessarily have to specify that the new therapist be female - just because you're attracted to one man does not guarantee that you will be attracted to another.

Maybe it will also be useful for you to know that massage therapists have varying personal rules about dating *former* clients. Some say that 6 months after the last appt is OK (and then that person can't be a client anymore). Some say a year, or 2 years. Some stick to the rules of shrinks and will never date a person who has been a client even one time. So even if the feeling eventually is mutual, you may be looking at a wait here.

 

[myportraitdrawing]

Wow, LOTS of great advice here! I agree with pretty much everything that's been said. It is indeed a sticky situation. If I were in your shoes, what I would do would depend on how strong my attraction was to this guy. If it's minor and harmess, no problem. I would chalk it up to the transference and have a happy. A certain amount of transference is unavoidable. SOME can even be semi-desirable, because IMHO, it can help to build the caring/nuturing relationship.

BUT, if it came to the point where I was fantasizing about him even outside of the sessions, or thinking about him in a more serious way, or if it starts to interfere with the treatment benefit, I would look for another therapist.

In school, we were told, do NOT date ppl you work on. If you want to date someone, first STOP working with them in a therapeutic environment. (This differs from Macalla's viewpoint of indefinitity.) Macalla has brought up an awesome point, though, and I very much agree, that the former client or therapist (depending on which role you're in) that you start dating might think "well, s/he crossed the boundary once, s/he might do it again" and it might speak volumes about the professionality in the MT's practice. But I can possibly see, depending on the personalities involved, how dating a former client/therapist might work. But as a general rule, the indefinite thing might be the way to go. Dunno, jury's out ; (for once lol)

Just my take
Hugs,
~Jyoti

 

[Brendan H]

There was a post on here once of a therapist in a spa that did respond to a client (male client, female therapist), they realised nothing could happen while he was a client, so they ended the client therapist relationship, waited a few eeeks and started dating. In the meantime, he started having treatments with another therapist at the spa, which was a challenge for the original therapist while they were waiting to start dating. Once they did start dating, she just couldn't get the idea out of her head that he was doing all the same charming/quirky/entertaining/sweet comments with the other therapist she worked with, because she now realised he did that with everyone, and the other therapist was getting to see her boyfriend pretty much naked. She couldn't cope with it at all.

Could you cope with the idea that someone you were dating sees lots of almost naked women all the time? It might be a non-issue, but it could also be a big issue. It's like getting involved with someone while they are still with someone else, you eventually get them, BUT there may be that little niggle in the back of your brain "he was unfaithful befoer. what is there to stop him doing it again?"

Alll in all, it's a horrible can of worms, for both of you - if you say nothing, it's only you feeling uncomfortable, he will be oblivious, he may pick up on you being a bit odd, but he won't know the specifics.

Well I'd have to say the reason I'm attracted to him is the same reason that women are attracted to men in the first place - he's handsome, intelligent, professional, around my age, etc.

In Sydney, that usually means gay.... Seriously, are you sure he is even available? I'd recommend treat it like a movie star crush, it would be lovely, but it isn't going to happen.

 

[mellie]

I don’t think that he would do anything to compromise our relationship. He seems to be very professional and I’m pretty sure he’d stay within the boundaries. He owns the company and I’m sure he’s very aware of the consequences of dating a client.

I’m not sure if he has any attraction to me but it is possible. There have been little signs (that I could be misinterpreting) that there’s a possible attraction. At my first 2 visits with him he was tongue tied, almost stuttering, when he talked to me (could be shy?). And when my visits were done (before my new prescription) he told me he’d be thinking about me and twice told me to call him to let him know how I’m doing (could just be friendly?). There were other little things as well.

Like I said, he’s very professional so I don’t think that he’d let anything happen. But is it fair to him for me to continue seeing him when I have these feelings? And if I end it, should I just lie and tell him there’s a transference thing going on without mentioning my real reasons for leaving?

And BJB-LMP, no I haven’t tried to throw him on the table or anything – but I have thought about it (yikes)....

 

[<3OnLy 1 WaY Up<3]

In Sydney, that usually means gay

Oh, way to ruin a fantasy - lol!

 

[DC Chillin]

All good points everyone......

There have been little signs (that I could be misinterpreting) that there’s a possible attraction. At my first 2 visits with him he was tongue tied, almost stuttering, when he talked to me (could be shy?). And when my visits were done (before my new prescription) he told me he’d be thinking about me and twice told me to call him to let him know how I’m doing (could just be friendly?). There were other little things as well.

The signs you mentioned don't specifically mean he's attracted to you. I can say from personal experience that I have become toung tied when working on good looking male clients.....the reason, growing up I was very shy. While I feel no attraction to these clients sometimes I'm just not used to talking with and being close to the "beautiful" people like that. lol

The "thinking about you" part, well any client of mine making progress and really healing from injury about to stop seeing me.....of course I want to know how they are doing. I also have a couple of favorite clients! People that are easy to work on, with very nice personalities, we may even have a lot in common.

And while I may be a little bit more open with these favorites of mine I in no way really let them into my life besides some small talk. Of course they know I have children, if I've recently moved, and so on. I don't gab to them about my problems, personal situations, religion. So even though you feel attraction to this MT do you think you REALLY know him? You may be getting the diluted version of his personality becuase he keeps a professional boundry. Not that he isn't nice but I think you know what I'm trying to say, I hope. Also, keep in mind that we MTs are here to please you, make you feel good, it's all about you. Wrap that all up in a nice package and who wouldn't be attracted.

Steph!

 

[Gizmo13]

Steph, I agree that these things don’t necessarily mean he’s attracted to me. I’m just saying that there’s a slight possibility that he is. He was obviously nervous around me for the first couple of visits – of course that could be shyness or it could be attraction - who knows?

You are absolutely right that I don’t REALLY know this man. We’ve exchanged small personal information but nothing that would give me the “true” him. I’m not saying I want to run off with him and have his children, I’m saying I’m physically attracted to him.

My physical attraction to him coupled with the intimacy of touch is making this a bit harder. At least if it was a co-worker who was “off-limits” I wouldn’t have the touch factor involved.

 

[Holt]

BUT, if it came to the point where I was fantasizing about him even outside of the sessions, or thinking about him in a more serious way, or if it starts to interfere with the treatment benefit, I would look for another therapist.

I have to agree with this.... among a lot of other posts.

I may get browbeat for this one, but I do believe that if it is this obvious to you that you are feeling attracted and aren't going to just "stop it in its tracks", then you should explain that you have become attracted and will have to find a new therapist.

If you are going to stay, then I think you need to reign this in and throw any "slight possiblity that your therapist is attracted to you" out the window now, instead of holding on to it.

Along with that, if you continue to say well maybe he is and isn't telling me, then you aren't letting it go where it needs to.... way, way far away.

I just don't think you are doing yourself a service continuing to see this therapist with these feelings this openly affecting you in the way you are putting it here on the forum.

One other thing I failed to mention:

Well I'd have to say the reason I'm attracted to him is the same reason that women are attracted to men in the first place - he's handsome, intelligent, professional, around my age, etc.

We see many people as we go through life who have these qualities. We can choose not to be attracted to them (as in wanting to date or get together with them)... it may be hard... but people don't want to be with every person coming along with qualities we find redeeming or sensual. You can find another person with these qualities to become happy with in life. *warm smile*

 

[ourdukie]

So you're just reassuring what I already knew, that I should stop seeing him. Now the question is, can I do this "off-the-record"? I don't want this to go into my medical records - this is NOT something I want in my file.

 

[Kirsten]

So you're just reassuring what I already knew, that I should stop seeing him. Now the question is, can I do this "off-the-record"? I don't want this to go into my medical records - this is NOT something I want in my file.

Can't imagine it would go in any file.. unless you are in Europe and then from what I understand, EVERYTHING goes into a file.

You'd just have to talk to your therpaist about that. I don't see that it would be a problem though. It wouldn't in my office.

 

[Avril Lavigne]

I'm just worried that he will mention it to the prescibing doctor.

Also, any idea how to do it? I have an appointment to see him first thing Monday morning. Should I do it in lieu of the appointment? Like have a heart to heart with him during my appointment time? Is that okay even though insurance is paying for the appointment?

This is going to be ackward. It's not like I can go face to face with him and say, "hey, can you refer me somewhere else cause I've got the hots for you and I may just do something stupid!"

 

[Jill T]

I'm just worried that he will mention it to the prescibing doctor.

Also, any idea how to do it? I have an appointment to see him first thing Monday morning. Should I do it in lieu of the appointment? Like have a heart to heart with him during my appointment time? Is that okay even though insurance is paying for the appointment?

This is going to be ackward. It's not like I can go face to face with him and say, "hey, can you refer me somewhere else cause I've got the hots for you and I may just do something stupid!"

I can't imagine he'd do that. But I don't know him.

I'd call and speak to him on the phone prior to the appointment, that way it can be cancelled. Again -- this is just me. Someone else may have better advice.

Maybe: Hi Mr. MT. I am really sorry to do this to you, but I am going to need to cancel my appointment on Monday with you. I have found that I am becoming emotionally and otherwise attached to you and I don't feel comfortable continuing the sessions. Please know, you are an excellent therpaist and it isn't d/t the work you've done -- and I will continue to refer clients in your direction. It is a personal issue.

Would you be able to refer me to another therapaist.... possibly a female?

 

[Yung Dirt]

Okay, if I call him prior to the appointment, it would have to be today because he's not in on the weekend and I have the first appointment on Monday.

First, I'd have to get past the receptionist. I'm not sure what I'd tell her (why I have to talk to him today vs. Monday). She's going to ask and if I tell her I have to cancel, she can do that herself.

Next, I'd have to make sure he has some time available to talk. If he's taking the call between clients, he's not going to have more than a minute to talk. It'll take me more than a minute to get up the nerve to tell him.

Then, I'd have to ask him if I can speak to him off-the-record. If he says no, there's no way in h*ll that I'd tell him. If he agrees, then I'd have to choke back my embarassment and tell him.

Finally, after I've went throuth this painful situation, I'd have to contact my primary doc for a referral to the new therapist which both my primary and my insurance are going to wonder why I'm changing therapists.

My alternate plan (which isn't the greatest) is to blow off therapy altogether. Just cancel and not make any more appointments.

Ugh - this is NOT easy...

 

[Pompal 09.]

First, I'd have to get past the receptionist. I'm not sure what I'd tell her (why I have to talk to him today vs. Monday). She's going to ask and if I tell her I have to cancel, she can do that herself.

"May I speak to Mr. MT?"

"No. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Will he be able to return my call today? It is fairly important that I speak with him."

"No."

"Then, I'll need to cancel my appointment on Monday until I can speak with him. Thanks."

-=-==-=-

"May I speak to Mr. MT?"

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"No. I need to speak with him personally before my appointment on Monday or cancel the appointment."

"Oh, I'll be sure he calls you back as soon as he gets a break then."

-=-=-=--=-

You've got a lot of issues, but talking to the doc can be the same. You formed an emotional attachment to this MT, which is not in your best interest of receiving sessions and you need to find another. If the doc doesn't have one and the MT doesn't produce a referral, you can just call around until you find someone to take the script.

(edited for spellcheck)