Real self-care isn't a juice cleanse and massage, Austin psychiatrist Pooja Lakshmin reveals - Austin American-Statesman

[Nicole Villalpando]

"For me, this is really my professional work, but it is deeply personal," said Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, an Austin-based psychiatrist who wrote the book "Real Self-Care (Crystals, Cleanses and Bubble Baths Not Included)."

Lakshmin, who spoke at this year's Texas Conference for Women in-person this month in Austin and will speak at the virtual National Conference for Women on March 5, likes to take people, particularly women, through how to set better boundaries in their life to achieve better self-care.

Origins of experiencing real self-care​

This work came after growing up with both parents as immigrants to the United States and as the first woman in her mother's family to work outside of the home. She felt the pressure to do well in college, to go to medical school, to become a doctor, to get married, to have a family.

In her late 20s, "I found myself having all the things and still feeling empty inside and still searching," she said.

She left medical school, joined a wellness community (which ended up not being on the up-and-up) and then returned home to her family to rebuild her life.

"When I came back to medicine," she said, "I came back to myself, and I had better boundaries."

Lakshmin realized she didn't want to write academic papers or be chair of the women's mental health department at George Washington University. Instead, she wanted to write for regular people. She started an Instagram account about women's mental health. That led to writing for the New York Times, and the book in 2023.

All of this was happening during a pandemic, when Lakshmin and her partner, Justin, decided to pull up roots in Washington, D.C., and move to Austin to buy a house and start a family.

She still sees patients, and those patients' stories are spread throughout the book. She thrives and gets energized by meeting people where they are and helping them discover a more mentally healthy way to live.

Lessons in self-care​

Some revelations from Lakshmin:

• You can't run away from your problems. The answer is "not a guru, it's not a juice cleanse or a massage." Instead, "it's about the boundaries and the compassion." And that compassion is for yourself.
• Women, it's also not your fault anthropologically. "Women are cultured from a young age to put their needs last," she said. "They are praised for making themselves smaller and in service to other people. ... The value is caring for others as opposed to caring for themselves.""Our value is in making others comfortable," she said. When you focus on yourself, "it feels bad. You feel guilty; you feel selfish."
• We get rewarded for being seen as selfless and encounter blowback when we put ourselves first or stand up for ourselves. "When women say, 'No, I am not staying late,' 'no I'm not OK with you talking to me like that,' you are penalized and called names," Lakshmin said. In those same scenarios, "men are raised up to say they have good leadership skills."
• We need to ask for help, accept help and let go of the ego. "Practice saying 'yes,'" Lakshmin said, when offered help, and don't wait until it's a crisis. "Why does it have to be a fire alarm to ask for help?" It's actually mentally good for us to see people helping other people as well as to be the people who are helping, she said.
• Women thrive on the flattery that comes with being selfless or putting others first. We crave responses like: "Oh, my gosh, I don't know how you do it all!" But that doesn't fulfill us, really.
• There is power in the pause. Before saying yes to something, take the pause. Is it a yes because you want to, a no because you don't want to, or can you negotiate by asking "what's the deadline, what's the time commitment?" That pause is the boundary, she said. Instead of thinking of the boundary as a brick wall, think of it as the net around the trampoline in the backyard. It is flexible, but it is a safety barrier.
• Getting comfortable setting boundaries takes time. "It's a skill you have to practice," she said. "It feels hard in the beginning."
• Lakshmin goes back to philosopher Audre Lorde's mantra: Self-care is self-preservation. When you are irritable, when you fly off the handle as someone asks you to do something small, when you wake up with a sense of dread or a heavy burden, when the idea of sitting down to set boundaries feels impossible because you are just trying to figure out what's for dinner — that's when you need to set boundaries the most.

Practicing what she preaches​

Today, at age 41 and with a 2-year-old son, Lakshmin is known as a person who sets boundaries. She's transformed her career into one that has clear divisions between family time and work time. She's joined the YMCA, where she sometimes does swimming or aerobic classes and sometimes does her best thinking and writing.

Her next book is expected to come out in 2026, and just as "Real Self-Care" came out of her experience in her 20s, this book will come out of her experience navigating transitions in life. She's navigated the transition to parenthood and the transition from academia to writing books for everyday people.

She's created a career that she wanted. "What I wanted was not what mentors wanted for me," Lakshmin said. "Everyone has to find their own path."